Parody & Truth
For those who read this and our concerned that I am making light of those who study and treat, ADHD, please understand that this is a parody. However, please do not miss the truth this parody attempts to illustrate.
Mom: You are so hyper!
I know the experts have you concerned that hyperactivity is affecting your child’s education, your professional life, wreaking havoc on your marriage, and causing frustration in your other relationships. And what do I know. I’m just a man with hyperactivity. I am just a father who has at least one, perhaps three, children who have inherited the “disorder”.
Heck, I might be the last person to ask about it. My procrastinating, forgetful, hyperactive personality may disqualify me from commenting at all. But in my uncontrolled impulsiveness, I’ll comment anyway. I can’t control myself. Fortunately, the “experts” have provided an out.
You’ll notice, first of all, that I do not attempt to sugar coat the condition and hide it behind the neutral and pleasant sounding acronym, ADHD. No, I come right out and say it… “Hyperactive. I’m hyperactive!” Do you want to know how I know? Because my Mother told me so; almost daily. If I recall correctly, she would say in exasperation, “Calm down! You are so hyper!”
At the time I certainly didn’t attribute it to any negative or potentially disruptive disability. I knew she was commenting on the fact that I ran too fast, spoke too loud, and broke too much. But my personal opinion of myself was that I simply was.
Normal as an internal benchmark
What I mean by that is that I didn’t think of myself as hyper. If we are honest, we generally view ourselves as normal. Not from the standpoint of a comparison to others. We view ourselves as normal in our own psyche. We experience the world from our perspective and gauge others from that internal portal.
Using that benchmark, I am, in fact, perfectly normal. I am the standard for normalcy, if only my normalcy.
But I have to tell you, I believe there is something else going on. I believe the whole hyperactive gig is just a smoke screen laid out by a group of the population that is attempting to hide something. They are hiding something, and I believe I know what it is.
I never understood those people that have less self-directed exuberance and passion in life. To some extent, I guess I still don’t.
Weaknesses & Strengths
Certainly I know that there are some things I simply do not do well. For example: I am not the organization guy. I am not very good at dates and appointments. I’ve had to learn, through some notable failures, that if I do not write it down, it probably will not happen. I need particular self-discipline to stay on top of my time and tasks.
I know also know that I get bored by the tedious pretty quickly. I’m not a maintenance kind of guy. I like the new, the exciting, and the fresh.
However, in watching others, those not categorized as “hyperactive,” they have notable strengths and weaknesses as well. Most are unable to maintain the excitement, energy level or creative focus that I can. These folks have no similar label and yet, their weaknesses seem just as notable when exposed.
Perhaps they need a disorder and its associated counseling and medication to move them out of their humdrum existence. To that end, I’m proposing a new condition to be added to the DM3.
BAMD – Boring And Mundane Disorder
Boring And Mundane Disorder or its non-euphemistic term, “dull” is characterized by a general lack of physical activity and an extreme lack of emotional passion. Its sufferers are often found watching weekly reality shows in a vain attempt to find excitement in someone’s life – anyplace but their own. Those struck most severely even know the times and days of multiple T.V. shows.
You can easily spot sufferers of BAMD by their adherence to strict schedules. They generally start their workday at 9:00am and end it at 5:00pm. They have a hard time with the concept of spontaneity. For example: suddenly changing your mind, while driving to the store and instead driving out of town for two days would cause them great concern.
An acid test for BAMD is to ask the individual a question like, “What’s up?” If you get a response like “nothing” or “not much”, it is very likely the person suffers with BAMD.
Sufferers of BAMD are often found watching sports in a couched position on the weekend. They may recall glory days of high-school sports but will tell you they do not have the time to “play” anymore. BAMD sufferers cannot see the time they’ve traded for their own activity and gladly handed over to those “hyperactive” individuals on T.V.
Unfortunately, because the disorder has gone un-diagnosed for so long, there are no known legal treatments. Large doses of coffee might do it but in their youth, these sufferers often turned to cocaine and meth-amphetamines in a vain attempt to become hyper. The health and financial impact forced them to reconsider their approach. Rather than live a life of passion, and struggle to cure their BAMD, they instead chose to diagnose and “treat” those they had formerly wished to emulate – the hyperactive.
It is my hope to foster understanding of those individuals with BAMD in hopes that through this enlightenment we can begin to work towards treatment, or at least management, of the disorder.
Treatments for BAMD
If you suspect you are “dull” and suffer from BAMD, start by admitting the problem. Acceptance is the first step in an effective treatment regimen. Follow this up by immediately seeking out your most “hyperactive” friend or acquaintance. Emulate their often quirky but passionate attack on life. It is my belief that life, when properly viewed and lived, causes a physiological hyperactive shift in most people. And this hyperactive shift may be the only known safe and legal cure for BAMD.
Be warned, however. Once it takes place you will be altered forever. You will never again be able to live the lackluster or monotonous existence of those with “dull” or BAMD. You will discover that sleep, television, and traditional adult conversation are all part of the “BAMD’d” population’s conspiracy to steal your time and spread their disorder.
When confronted with a BAMD sufferer trying to coax you into one of the calming conspiracy methods identified early in this article, nod politely and move away. Listen for the sound of something spilling or breaking and go find the other more-exciting, hyperactive individuals near you. Or find a group of children or teenagers. Most of them can help keep you on your treatment course, steering you away from BAMD and into a healthy hyperactivity.
I had this published on a now defunct website, LaughterAndTears.com. I may revive that site some time in the future but with a very different vision.
Also, truthfully, I do struggle with focus and am a HUGE believer in taking steps to maintain a schedule and log off all interruptive technology to focus on creative and technical work. Multi-tasking is a lie. This is not debatable. 😉