DISCLAIMER: I’m offering some relationship advice here. I’m single, haven’t dated in years, and am twice divorced – so the ludicrous nature of me offering this advice isn’t lost on me. But… I will tell the truth – and that’s worth something.
Also… I speak of some gender stereotypes. Get over it. If you are a (insert gender here) and what I say about the other sex applies to you, then apply it. This isn’t complicated. I’m writing from the perspective of a heterosexual male. You may adjust as fits… yada yada blah blah…
Let’s start shall we?
I’ve always found VD to be problematic… hey… I’m talking Valentine’s Day – sheesh!
In none of my marriages (are we seeing the hints of a problem here) was Valentine’s Day set aside to demonstrate or declare our love for each other.
Don’t Celebrate VD… Be VD!
Yep – my wives (not simultaneous – I’m not from Colorado City or south of Salt Lake) and I did not celebrate Valentine’s Day! Why? Because I was in love every day! Every single day!
And more than that, I expressed it. I actually wrote songs, left notes, cooked dinner, served breakfast in bed, went for outings, etc. I didn’t need a designated day to celebrate love… because every day was about celebrating love!
I realize I often say that I’ve had my heart surgically removed and replaced with a smoldering lump of coal. But that is not really the case. And many of you have already called me on this… you know it isn’t true.
I’m not in denial… I say it as a joke and because I established ground-rules for relationships after my 2nd divorce. I determined that I would not acquire a new wife or even a girlfriend until my youngest – “the punk” formerly known as “the girl” – was older. I know this decision sent many ladies into a tailspin of despair… being the type of catch that I am. I’m sorry about that collective depression – it was unavoidable, ladies.
It was necessary and appropriate. And fellow broken-hearted travelers – those with young children – think long and hard about who you invite into your child’s life. Even under good circumstances, that extra figure requires time and attention. And that time and attention may be better spent elsewhere. It may be needed by people already in your life who don’t have any say – but should – in your relationships.
I’m not telling you what to do. I’m not telling you what is right and wrong. I’m just saying, it isn’t all about you. Keep your eyes open.
But we’ve fallen off topic.
I do have a heart. And I do believe in love and in expressing it. In fact, if you are one of those guys who doesn’t express it well – stop with those stupid excuses – and express it. I don’t care if you struggle with it. Boo hoo… poor little tough guy who needs to maintain that stupid veneer (I typed that with a pouty lip).
And you don’t need to learn to say it… you need to say it… saying it, being it, believing it… that’s how you learn love. You don’t have the time to learn to be open and vulnerable – you only have the moment to be it. After the fact, you’ll never feel badly about it. By the way, tough guys – cool guys – they express it.
About VD and Naughty Sex
There is also this weird underlying tone that Valentine’s Day is that day the lady offers up special sexy sex to her guy. That’s also stupid!! If you like sexy sex (and who doesn’t), don’t wait for once a year to dress like a cheap hooker (or high-priced escort) for your guy. Tuesday evening, June 21st – that’s a good day to break out the crotch-less lingerie and surprise your guy with unmentionable eroticism.
Dude! Just in case you are wondering… Monday, June 20th – that’s great day to take off early from work, grab a bottle of wine, some simple fixins’ – arrange for childcare – and prepare a nice meal for your lady. And clean the kitchen as you go… etc. If you don’t cook… start practicing now, you neanderthal… it’s funny to be “that guy” in an old sitcom… but sort of old and outdated these days.
(or vice versa: ladies can do this too)
If you bought that stupid 50 Shades of Grey bondage kit – used it once – and now it’s embarrassingly hidden away in the closet… break that back out… or at least discuss if either of you liked it… and if they did, why? (for consenting grown ups and and why it isn’t about forcing someone into something) And if not, why not? And find out some rules for letting those wild horses (that wild mare and wild stallion – giddy up) run more than once a year. I think sexy sex is good once a week or a few times a month at least.
Admission: For me, all sex is sexy sex. No lie… missionary position, kissing softly – wow! Sexy! So is that hanging from the chandelier stuff you crazy kids are into. I’m just sayin’… play… men and women both like it… Don’t lie! (I like Vanilla ice cream and I like that crazy Rocky Road – a little bit of everything thrown in. Both are very very tasty.)
If that is what’s happening in your relationship – once a year sexy sex – there are deeper issues. Get counseling.
Oh… if you don’t like sexy sex – well… you are lying or covering up some bigger issue. Get counseling for that too. Just sayin’ Everyone has their “things” – kinks, dangerous ideas, thoughts and desires – make peace with them. Thoughts and desires should find a safe place in your relationship. If not, yep…. counseling. (Are you catching a theme here?)
Actions beyond your agreement with your partner – that’s another story. Thoughts and desires do not mean you act on them – outside of your agreement with your partner. That’s slimy!
Finally, Do Celebrate Valentine’s Day
Wait Matt… didn’t you just point out that every day is a day to celebrate being in love?
Yep… I did.. which means that today – Valentine’s Day – is a perfect day to celebrate it. Not because there is a creepy picture of a naked baby shooting arrows and a bunch of gaudy red decorations inviting you to buy a stupid, dust collecting pink bear… but because of love. Love is enough of a reason for today, tomorrow, and yep, the third Monday in June.
But maybe, part of today’s celebration is a discussion with your partner and some thoughts on your own about how you make Tuesday, June 21st (and let’s add Saturday, September 10th – among other days) a day to celebrate love! Discussions, by the way, very sexy!
As Emily Morse (Sex with Emily podcast) says, “Communication is lubrication!”
The reminder that you should celebrate love on this and any day is/should be – awareness of that other person. That’s your prompt! Add it to your to do list… maybe at the top.
- Be In Love Today!
Maybe it gets its own list.
Oh… I still do not recommend going out to dinner or buying a box of candy today.
Last piece of advice: Avoid VD. Read that as you wish. 😉
As an added bonus, here is my song, Valentine’s Day.